"Alex I love your narcissism"

"I'm perfectly okay with being manipulated"

"until I was 21, I never realized there were different cat breeds"

"Alex is at the top of the food chain"

"being a mooch is our birthright"

"I wouldn't mind fist fighting dad"

"So do yall think god wants me to remove my wave cap before praying?"

"mom has definitely been poisoning dad for years and he just doesn't know it yet"

"I'm the best daughter mom has"

"i'm going to shoot all the single ladies so i never have to hear that song again"

"I'm not a mooch, I'm opportunistic"

"Everyone here is gaslighting me"

"turkey bacon is turkies appropriating pig culture"

"alex, I can't wait until you get dementia"

"over/under 20 minutes until someone storms out of this dinner?"

"I watched a Kanye sunday service, and honestly didn't get much out of it"

"Im looking forward to this trip being over"

"I am not a bird"

"Alex you're the axis powers and I'm the allies, specifically you’re Germany"

"children are the ultimate STD"

"can I get an advance on my inheritance?"

"I'm all about the free the nip movement"

"if i get breast cancer, will i get as much attention as Alex from mom and dad?"

"the next time trip comes to church I'm bringing a knife with butter on it and stabbing him"

"i spent my morning waiting for a ransom note"