Yay. Congrats on your engagement, you guys. I am so happy for you. Yay, yay yay.

Hey Bill, it’s Sam. Hopefully you get this message. There’s something I needed to tell you about diffusing the bomb.

I say, old boy, be a good lad and fetch my my slicker.

I probably should have said something earlier, but as you can see, I have a conjoined twin.

I can’t be poly. I don’t want a relationship with anyone, let alone several people.

Can I interest the group in an aggressive banana eating contest with lots of eye contact?

This is a lawless town, kind of like a Best Buy on Black Friday.

My wife died in a mysterious cruise ship incident involving the ice cream machine.

You should know that I own many Pez dispensers.

I had to make my own lunch today. Adulting stinks.

I would like to propose to your daughter, sir. And your enormous yacht has nothing to do with it.

If you think most people are inherently good, you’ve probably never used the toilet at a gas station.

I’m a triple threat: actor, singer and server at Denny’s.

These Thin Mints aren’t making me any thinner.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a dog person stuck in a cat cafe.

Don't make me step outside my safe space and hurt you.

Physically, I’ve only lived in big cities. But emotionally, I live in the woods selling crafts I’ve made from beads and hawk feathers.

You know you’ve hit rock bottom when your wife leaves you for someone she met at a Harry Potter convention.

I gotta guy. If he can’t do it, he’s gotta guy.

I’d go, but then I’d have to talk to people and put on a bra.

If I had super strength, I'd probably just buy more stuff at Costco.

Now that I’m lead choreographer, we’ll be mastering jazz hands and sunbursts.

It’s a free country ma’am. I can watch birthing videos whenever I want.

My favorite restaurant is the one that delivers to my couch.

I don’t want to be famous-famous. Just “Dancing with the Stars” famous.