I got hit on by my second-grade teacher last year

I got pimped out by Ayden Cohn and then got an UTI

I have sucked a 5 inch penis before

I Eat Indian flavored pizza once a day

I pissed on my roommate's head

I've been on an episode of Cake Boss

I got Free Chik Fil A and a ride home from the father of a girl I had sex with thinking we were just friends hanging out

I smoke more darts than a lung cancer patient

I went to a chess tournament at Gold & Silver

I fell asleep in the Hoge Shower from wanking for too long

Plan B is my Plan A

I went to the hospital for slamming 3 16oz Red Bulls

I cant squat for shit

I am dating an identical twin and doesn't know which one he is having sex with

I almost died for having a big heart

I had sex with Moncha, Jackson Ribler's dog

I crawled and groaned like a bear after drinking 20 beers at Wade Boggs

I climb rocks every week

I can unhook a bra with 1 hand or my penis, penis preferred

I once took 18 shits in one day

I smoked geebs on the drillfield my freshmen year

I am dating a 17 year old

The first and last time I ever had sex, I laid on the bed like a starfish

I slur my words after one white claw

I don't know my girlfriends last name